Showing posts with label Secrets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Secrets. Show all posts

Saturday, May 9, 2009

My Affair With A Romance Language

It has been long since I was on blogosphere and I admit that there were a couple of times since I last posted when I started writing but then just gave up. I blame it on multiple factors, but Delhi heat takes the biggest share of blame. I just hate this time in Delhi. The dry and scorching weather gets me into depression, and I should add here, that it really takes a lot to get ME into depression. Going outdoors is suicidal these days, even in evenings. The only places to hang out are malls, and it gets intensely boring to hang out exclusively at malls. With all my social life limited to Facebook and French classes, there was not much to talk about. Moreover, I was in a lazy, introspective phase.

I promised last time that I would blog about my French classes, as they are a lot of fun. They still are fun and I love my time there. The teacher is nice; she gives good material, and teaches well. I have two more students in class with me (both men), so it is a small and intimate class. We get many opportunities to laugh because we keep making silly mistakes that are at times HILARIOUS. One such instance that comes to my mind is of the day when Swati (our teacher) asked me to make a sentence that starts with 'Je voudrais...' (I would like...) It was our third or fourth class and I was still struggling immensely with vocabulary. I started to say something but the sentence that popped out of my mouth was "Je voudrais un bon homme." (I would like a nice man.) Shucks! That was followed by a shocked second and then peals of laughter from everybody including me. The other two students in the class specially laughed loud at that. Embarrassing, I know. But trust me, that's nothing compared to the mistakes that THEY make.

I think it's time to describe the other two students in my class. 'A' seems like a pretty boring guy and he is the one who struggles the most in our classes. It has now got to the extent where the rest of us feel he wastes the time of the class because he just doesn't understand things. Whatever job 'A' is doing, it keeps him busy in some health related seminars these days. He comes to the classes right after work, travelling from CP to Gurgaon. I appreciate his dedication, especially in this weather. He turned up a little late during one of the classes. We looked up as he entered the room to join us. The first thing that I noticed about him on that day was that he was wearing a big, round, red badge, which said "Loose weight now, Ask me how" in shining white letters. Before I could stop myself, I pointed to the eye-catching badge and asked him, "What is that?" His response, "Oh, I forgot to take that off after the seminar." WTF? He traveled all the way from CP to Gurgaon and then walked into the class wearing that. I wonder how many people asked him tips for loosing weight that day.

I call the other guy "My grey eyed Ipod" or The ipod for short (this nick suggested by GO). He has beautiful grey eyes but at times irritating manners. He sings really well, calls me nearly everyday, and hangs up only after singing me a song or two. I know it is funny, but I admit that I enjoy it. I mean how many men these days would sing you songs everyday when you are not even dating them (and nice songs at that). I know he is either too nice or too creepy and I am still trying to decide in which category to place him. He is doing well in class though and I enjoy talking to him, especially when he talks passionately of his career. Like me, he is going to start his MBA program soon but in Canada. He is intelligent, having completed his engineering from a good college and worked for a couple of years, he managed a great score at GMAT and then admission at a decent B-School. I am impressed at how informed he is about his field and at the amount of reading he is doing. From financial accounting to French vocab to oil fields in Canada, he has read up a whole lot. I am always impressed with well-informed people but at times, he intrigues me. He would at times say non-committal but suggestive things, which might mean that he is flirting. I give non-committal responses then but try to make it clear without being too obvious that I am not interested in any relationship or fling (or anything) at all at this point in my life. I just don't like it when men try to play it so safe that they stand neither here nor there; I think that's not being man enough. Of course, I might be wrong with the whole thing, it might be just premature alarm bells ringing in my head, and therefore currently I just brush aside such things and ignore. However, while talking, laughing, arguing, at every imaginable instant, I am watching him to try and understand where he is heading with all his talk (and songs!).

On a different note, I met my best friend Amit yesterday after more than a year and half. Although we could manage less than an hour with each other but it was totally great. I took him to TGIF (my favorite hang out) and we of course had LIITs. I haven't laughed so much in ages as I did in that hour. Friends always make you feel so good. Although Amit and I talk nearly everyday but meeting each other after that terribly long period felt really great. I am glad we could make it because in a couple of months, I would move to Europe and then I don't know when we would ever meet.

Ah! It feels wonderful, now that I have finally written this long post. I wonder why I was putting it off. There will be more to come and soon :D

Thursday, February 19, 2009

An Outburst

Is it usual human behaviour to get irritated at the drop of a hat and take it out at people who love us? Or am I the only arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, insensitive, big-mouth around?

Love scares me. Not the family kind of love, but the friends and boyfriends kind of love. I used to think until around 3 years back that I am incapable of loving someone wholeheartedly, with devotion, submissiveness, with no other feeling but love for the other person at all times. Then somebody came in my life and that kind of love did happen. It was sheer bliss; being totally, incautiously, head-over-heels in love. The feeling was new for me and I revelled in it. However, I now think that that kind of love is probably unhealthy because love takes so much priority in life that every other thing is overshadowed. Moreover, plausibly that kind of love scares the other person. Even after so much love (or maybe because of it?) that relationship did not work. I am single for almost 10 months now and I am comfortable with this single status. Nevertheless, unplanned, unintended and surprising new relationships are always waiting for you around the corner. The thing is that I am back to where I was 3 years back. I feel I am incapable of loving someone without reserve. I am too practical now to be in love, and the shortcomings and drawbacks of the relationship are glaringly visible to me. Even the shortcomings of the other person. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and probably I am more imperfect but, I don't want these shortcomings to be visible to me. Love hides such things, ain't it? Such unwanted details are glossed over when you are with someone you love. I have been in that kind of love so I know. Now these small discomforting details are a little too visible to me and I just can't stop myself from mentioning them to the other person, much to his dismay and discomfort. Therefore when I feel that the other person really loves me, it scares me. Loving somebody when that person can't love you back is still less painful than being loved by someone whom you can't love back. It hurts you, makes you feel guilty, makes you try hard, and at the end of it all trying never helps. I want the other person to be practical like me, I encourage him to point out my shortcomings and that of the relationship, so that I may not feel so guilty about being cruelly practical but he, being so much in love, can't see any. He even tries to justify those that I point out. It makes me wring my hands in irritation and makes me say things that I don't really want to say. He is still sweet as ever, utterly unconvinced about the impracticality of the relationship, and I feel more guilty, more irritated. It's like a vicious circle. I don't want to hurt but I end up doing exactly that. I don't want to be very practical, but I end up being exactly that.

I have heard this question many times that is it better to get married to someone whom you love or to someone who loves you. I have always heard girls saying that it is better to marry someone who loves you because you are always made to feel special. Still I can't convince myself about that. I think that won't work for me. I feel it is far better to be with someone you love, even when the other person does not love you so much in return and when it hurts like hell, than marrying someone who loves you, then hurt him when you try your best not to and then feel guilty about it. Being hurt is still better than feeling guilty. What is your take about it?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

You Will Always Be My Friend

This weekend I went shopping with Mom and Dad and while Dad was going through greeting cards in Archie's Gallery, I was going through the T-Shirts they had on display. They had a nice collection of Tees with some really witty statements. I don't remember any of them now, except one. This one caught my eye and I immeadiately thought of NV. It said, "You will always be my friend. You know too much!" It made me smile and brought forth a cascade of thoughts.
I pondered over it that night. Come to think of it among my friends we all know so much about each other that if we decide to ruin each other's life, we can easily do that. Ye!! Gives me that evil power over them, but then they possess the same power over me. If I try to recall what all I know about all the close frends I have ever had, I can list some pretty nasty details. :-) Multiple affairs (not at the same time, all my frends are decent), drinking, gambling, a wedding in a temple (I and NV signed the marriage certificate as witnesses), and other things which I would not list here (this isn't that kind of blog) :-) Superb!!!!
If we assume the statement on the Tee to be true (my engineering language), it implies that we will all stay friends forever. Our dark secrets bond us together. On a serious note, I love all my friends. Dark secrets or no, I do hope we always stay bonded.