Whenever I have enough time to sit back on my chair and think, I yearn for our China Study Trip and the time when Sid and I would finally live together. I want time to zoom past until the study trip, and then slow down for those exciting (I hope) days in China, then conveniently zoom past again until the time I am with Sid and then perhaps slow down as per my wishes.
This makes me realise that my life is more like a series of longings for something or the other. Last year at the end of February I was longing for coming to Belgium. When I was finally here, I longed for our Christmas break to go back to India. After the Christmas break here I am, yearning for the China Trip and going back to India for being together with Sid. I am sure the craving would be for something else after I have lived these two experiences. Do we ever get satisfied and live completely, uncomplainingly in the moment? Or is it just me? I like to imagine that when I will live with Sid and we would have the careers of our choice and live in the country of our dreams, I will long no more and be unquestioningly satisfied and sickeningly happy. But is that true? Would there be something else to crave for then? Babies, perhaps? I don't know, I am just guessing!
The thing is that why can't I just be happy in the moment. Not that I am not happy, but there is just this endless longing and waiting. After all I am now living the life for which I was counting days a year back. Why then, am I waiting for this time to just fly by? Perhaps because I believe that I have more exciting things to look forward to. I am thankful that I have such a life at the moment, that every time I have newer and better things to look forward to, but I should also be able to completely live the experience that I wished for in a not so distant past. Isn't this insulting to that 'someone' up there who grants our wishes if we just keep desiring for more and better?
Is it just normal human nature or is it the paranoia of someone who can never be satisfied? Am I just human or am I insane? Or am I being insane right now by blogging my useless (?) reflections when I have to study for the frightening Corporate Finance exam?