ANHAD & PAAVAKI
I really wish at times that all of us could be together again, along with husbands and kids. It would be great to have that sort of a reunion sometime. Sigh! Wishful thinking, that's what it is.
Okay, so last night I went out with my cousin Chummu and had two cocktails and five cigarettes. I needed it, the break I mean; the break from monotony. Yesterday I tried a Gin cocktail for the first time; usually I am a Vodka or Wine person. To tell you the truth, I could hardly tell the difference between Vodka and Gin. Probably because the Gin was mixed with other things to make my cocktail. I wanted to have more drinks but did not, since we had to come home later and I did not want Dad to suspect that we had been up to some mischief when according to him I had taken Chummu to check out an awesome new Pizza place.
Last night was fun. I smoked for the first time and smoked five cigarettes in a row, which later made me feel that all my innards are on fire and that my intestines have turned to ashes. I have tried to smoke twice before but could never suck it in. Last night I managed to achieve that feat and in amazement mixed with a sense of achievement stopped only after five cigarettes and when I had started feeling queasy. However, I am not going to have a smoke again, never. I had a very disturbed sleep last night because of those five bloody cigarettes.
Anyhow, I and Chummu had a sort of reunion yesterday. It had been a reeaallly long time since we talked like that. It was good, everything, the drinks, the gossip, the sleeping together, even those cigarettes in some way. I also had a talk with GO (My George Orwell) after having my drinks and cigarettes, and it was fun too. I giggled a lot while talking to him. Usually I don't giggle, I laugh. Was I flirting? Naaah. GO is an old friend, I can't flirt with him after all these years. I don't think so!!! However, I know I usually am a big flirt after a couple of drinks. But no, I wasn't flirting with GO. Oh well, I sense some confusion here :-)
Oh, the best part of last evening was that I bought two books. GO was after my life to read Nineteen Eighty-Four, so I finally bought that and another GO-recommended book, in fact his favourite, To Kill A Mockingbird. That makes me a rich book lover for sometime. I and GO have plans of catching up this Saturday. Its been a long time since we met, so GO would drive all the way from Noida to Gurgaon to meet me. That's sweet of him, ain't it?? :-)
What do you do when you really want to talk to someone but can't? When you have absolutely no way of knowing anything about them. When you can't call or write to them. When you know they would never call or write to you.
What do you do then?
Why doesn't even praying help? Why doesn't it release that knot in your chest, which threatens to explode? Why doesn't it stop the tears from coming at the weirdest of times? Why doesn't it end the suffering?
Isn't she adorable with that loud stage makeup? :-)
Urgh!! I just read my last post of 6th January and I feel disgusted. Such an icky post it is!!
Trust me to get carried away whenever I pen down a poem. But to get carried away to that extent!!! I actually wrote an entire autobiography in that post. To all those who commented back with sweet and encouraging words, I know you guys were only being kind to me. The way we are kind to a lunatic or to kids and let them believe in their fairies and Santa. Thank you very much guys, I am touched :-)
To top it all, I read Shobhaa De's blog yesterday and left a comment there about how I never read any of her books because I was under the impression that she writes depressing stories but that I was pleasantly surprised at the liveliness in her writing and would definitely try one of her books. She actually e-mailed a reply to that!!! A one-liner reply about appreciating my frankness and a thank you. I saw that mail and went all Yay!! and Wow!! and dreamt last night of getting a book of my poems published and Shobhaa De unveiling it for me. Oh when will I grow up???
I have been writing poems since the age of 5. I even distinctly remember where the first inspiration came from. Although I don't have a great memory and I often forget many incidents that others around me remember in detail, but I remember this episode. That is because I have a very selective memory. I remember things, people and incidents in great detail if they matter a lot to me. Anyhow, so this incident somehow has remained intact in my head. The image of a 5 year old, skinny and laughing girl, watching TV with great interest when what the only channel has got to offer is a 'Hasya aur Vyangya Kavi Sammelan', yeah that's a gathering of poets who pride themselves in humor and satire. I don't know how it caught my 5 year old fancy but immediately after the program that was what I wanted to do. I told Mom that I wanted to write poems and she laughed and said that I could when I grow up. I never had the patience to wait so I just gave it a try. Writing poetry in English never occurred to me back then. The obvious choice was Hindi because I had watched the Kavi Sammelan in Hindi, and although my vocabulary in both English and Hindi was very limited at that time, I was still more comfortable in Hindi. I remember my first poem was more like a song and it was something about dancing flower buds :-) In fact since my Mom collected a lot of my poems for many years, I had the opportunity to read that poem numerous times in the coming years and every year it embarrassed me more than it did the previous year. I won't even dream of putting it down here :-)
So I kept writing poetry in the years to come and I always wrote of things that I saw in nature; flowers, snow, water, wind and sometimes there was an occasional poem about fairies or people. My family was proud of my poetry, all of my poems rhymed perfectly and I read my poems on a few occasions in the morning assembly at school. On one big occasion during the time when Uttaranchal was still a part of Uttar Pradesh and the people of Uttaranchal demanded that it should be a separate state, there was a gathering of several poets from Uttaranchal who wrote and read their poems in front of a big audience. I had the privilege to be a part of that gathering and as the youngest poet I read one of mine too. It was about the state of Uttaranchal and I had written that only because I was asked some days back to write something for the occasion and not because I had any real feelings on the subject. I was too young to understand why we should have a separate state and had to think hard before writing the poem. Anyway, I did write that poem, read it before the audience and accepted their applause. Incidentally, I don't remember any of the poems of other poets who were present there, some of them were well known writers too. In fact I don't remember anything else about that evening except that I read a poem before a big audience and then rushed back from stage to my Mom sitting in the audience. I was in 8th or 9th standard at that time, not too young but somehow my memory fails me about the other happenings of that evening.
However, the poetry writing spree was abruptly stopped when I studied in 10th. I had a big accident and in the aftermath a big loss that nobody including me noticed for a long while was that I had stopped writing poems. A couple of years later I tried but I couldn't. I thought that it was just a childhood thing and I had now grown out of it. But it seems that poetry is too much a part of me because it resurfaced many years later and this time in English :-) I don't write great poems, in fact I feel embarrassed in sharing them with many people, so they lie dead in my laptop. And I don't even write that often now, only when I feel so full of some emotions that they cannot be expressed in any other way, I write a poem to let them out. This happened when I started writing a post on December 11, the only way I could write on that day was in the form of a poem although it was very unstructured and effortless. I composed directly on blogger and edited very little and thus happened my first poem after years that was written for anybody to read.
Yesterday I read a poem on one of the posts of The Unsung Psalm, which was beautiful. I started writing a comment on that post and what came out were few lines that started with the last line of the poem that he had posted. I like the lines that I wrote and would post them here too
I do not die
I just live on
To see what you do
When I am gone
Would you feel me
In the morning dew
Or forget my touch
In days too few
Would you hear me
In the gentle rain
Or would I call you
Just in vain
Would you know
That I caressed
Or would you be
When The Unsung Psalm asked me where those lines were from I paused to think before replying that they were out of my own head. I read the lines again and again to decide whether they were any good but then I decided that good or bad, they were mine and I liked them and I would not abandon that poem as an orphan that belongs to no one and yet exists. Hence, I replied that they were mine and therefore I am putting them here on my blog too. Good or bad, they are mine :-)
I watched Ghajini on the first day of the new year and really liked it despite the violence and just okay music (except Tu Meri Adhoori Pyas). I had a mind to write a review of the movie but I just read a post by Chandni, who is one of my favourite bloggers. She wrote a review of RNBDJ and it was plagiarized word by word by a certain Ms Salty Sea Breeze who posted it on her blog as her own. I feel offended for Chandni and that kills the mood to right a review now. I will write it some other time.
Anyway, the other day I read some lines by Vikram Seth that really touched my heart. I will dedicate them (even though they are not mine :-)) to The Unsung Psalm whose writings I enjoy. Here goes:
Some men like Jack and some like Jill
I'm glad I like them both but still
I wonder if this freewheeling
Really is an enlightened thing,
Or is its greater scope a sign
Of deviance from some party line?
In the strict ranks of Gay and Straight
What is my status: Stray? Or Great?
A few years back I read A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth and found it unnecessarily stretched out with irrelevant details although the plot and its setting were really good. There were many things that I liked about this book but the unnecessary length killed my interest in it when I had managed to read only about three-fourth of the book. It was the only book of my life that I had not been able to finish and I blamed Vikram Seth for that. However, when I read the above lines of poetry by him they salvaged his reputation in my eyes :-). Also, I found that Vikram Seth did his schooling from my hometown Dehradun (Welham Boys and Doon School), so that kind of settled the fact that I would definitely read more books by this author :-)
Luckily, the day I watched Ghajini I found that there was a Sale at the Om Book Shop in MGF Mall at Gurgaon. A sale and that too at a book shop is too tempting to ignore and so I went inside telling myself that I would not buy anything but would just take a tour. I already have around 5-6 still unread and good books lying around at my home and I had told myself that I would not buy any more books until I finish those that I already own. However, the shop offered a great bargain on many books and the shining hard covers of books had an almost lusty appeal. I think everyone would understand if I say that I finally did buy books but only 2 of them. One is of course by Vikram Seth (An Equal Music) and another is a collection of spooky short stories :-). It has some stories by authors like Edgar Allen Poe and Charles Dickens and has a beautiful cover, hence I bought it.
I got these two books for just 500 bucks, can you believe it? Such beautiful, hardbound, original books together cost just 500 Rupees!! Wow what an amazing start to the new year :-)