Endless Longings

Whenever I have enough time to sit back on my chair and think, I yearn for our China Study Trip and the time when Sid and I would finally live together. I want time to zoom past until the study trip, and then slow down for those exciting (I hope) days in China, then conveniently zoom past again until the time I am with Sid and then perhaps slow down as per my wishes.

This makes me realise that my life is more like a series of longings for something or the other. Last year at the end of February I was longing for coming to Belgium. When I was finally here, I longed for our Christmas break to go back to India. After the Christmas break here I am, yearning for the China Trip and going back to India for being together with Sid. I am sure the craving would be for something else after I have lived these two experiences. Do we ever get satisfied and live completely, uncomplainingly in the moment? Or is it just me? I like to imagine that when I will live with Sid and we would have the careers of our choice and live in the country of our dreams, I will long no more and be unquestioningly satisfied and sickeningly happy. But is that true? Would there be something else to crave for then? Babies, perhaps? I don't know, I am just guessing!

The thing is that why can't I just be happy in the moment. Not that I am not happy, but there is just this endless longing and waiting. After all I am now living the life for which I was counting days a year back. Why then, am I waiting for this time to just fly by? Perhaps because I believe that I have more exciting things to look forward to. I am thankful that I have such a life at the moment, that every time I have newer and better things to look forward to, but I should also be able to completely live the experience that I wished for in a not so distant past. Isn't this insulting to that 'someone' up there who grants our wishes if we just keep desiring for more and better?

Is it just normal human nature or is it the paranoia of someone who can never be satisfied? Am I just human or am I insane? Or am I being insane right now by blogging my useless (?) reflections when I have to study for the frightening Corporate Finance exam?

Life Is Throwing Lovely Gifts At Me!

Welcome 2010!! I hope you will be as exciting as 2009 was.

I loved 2009! It was the most favourite year of my life so far; the year when I made it to one of my dream B-Schools; the year when I started a very exciting journey of Business education. The year when I met (again) the person with whom I am destined to spend the rest of my life. Yes, I am officially engaged to Sid now. You can congratulate us! :D

My vacations in India were too beautiful but too short. Going back home for 12 days after 5 months in this cold and different country was like months of spiritual and emotional healing. I hogged on food, I shopped when I had time, I met Sid's parents and he met mine. It cudn't have been better but too soon it was time to leave.

I was scared before meeting his family for the first time. How would it go? Would they like me? Would they like my family? Would my family like them and Sid? Would we have anything in common with them? But as it turned out, all my fears were just stupid. It went fabulously well, I couldn't have asked for anything better. They loved me, and my family loved Sid! I am in love with Sid's beautiful home and his adorable family. The next day when they came to my home, our families quietly suggested to us to make it official. So, there was a little exchange of gifts and voila, we were engaged! It was a beautiful evening and I keep reliving it through pictures that were clicked.

We both are on top of the world and have many dreams, hopes and plans. There are many decisions to be made. Whether I will move to Bangalore or he will move to Belgium? Whether we should immediately start working on our business plans or just continue with boring work lives for a while? Whether I should target consulting companies or investment banks? Whether we should get married in November or February of next year? Phew!

However, all said and done, we are both looking forward to it, and just can't wait to be with each other. It was difficult to say goodbye at the airport this time. At that moment, I felt that I don't want to leave, at least not so soon. I am glad that my family organized it in such a way that Sid could come with us to the airport when I was leaving. I hugged Mom and Dad and shook hands with Sid. I almost had tears in my eyes when he clasped my hand with both of his and looked into my eyes and simply said, "Take Care". I kept looking back at him until the last moment and he always smiled back. No, I did not cry before him but I did cry during the flight. I am this emotional fool at times, who can sob away while staring out of the window into nothingness as a plane flies 10,000 feet above ground. Sigh....., love can make you silly ;)

As an extra beautiful surprise in life, I received a 'Stylish Blogger Award' from Small Town Girl. Thanks sweetheart, you are one of my favourite bloggers and receiving an award from you feels great! This award is doubly special as it is my first and will always be cherished.

Counting Days

No matter where you are in the world, there's one feeling that stays the same across cultures and countries. The feeling that you get when exams are over!!

I used to feel the same way in High School, in Engineering, and now even in MBA. All my classmates here feel the same way. That feeling of relief, and of having all the time in the world to do whatever you please. Right after the last exam, a Chilean classmate mentioned to me, "Now I have an appointment with my pillow!" And I smiled.

So, the first part of our MBA is done, that constitues one-third of the program. I don't want to comment on how I did in the exams, they are over, and that's a relief. We have a 4 day residential seminar starting from 15th December and then holidays!! Wooohoooo!!!

I shopped last evening and realised how beautiful the streets looked because of all the decorations for Christmas. I hadn't been out of my studio and school since last some days, and hadn't realised that the Christmas season is already upon us.

I am counting days for going back to India. While eating pizza last night for dinner, I almost cried thinking of Mom's cooking and all the food that I will eat when I reach home. I am tired of the Belgian, Thai and Turkish food here and even of my own cooking. I know that I will hog and gain weight at home, but who cares!

Siddharth has booked his tickets for Delhi and I can't wait to see him again. This will only be the second time since we have grown up that I will meet him! Sounds unbelievable even to myself, but it's true. Surprisingly, I never feel that I have met him just once. Perhaps because I know him since I was a 6 year old and because I see him on Skype everyday. When I tell our little story to my women friends here, they get the shock of their lives. "You have met him just once since you grew up! And you really started talking to each other only six months back, out of which you have been in Belgium for four months! Are you sure you want to marry him???" If I use all that logic, I know I would never suggest someone else to do what I am doing. But truly, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Yes, I do want to marry him :)

Ah! It's time to get ready and head to the shopping streets! It's Christmas season and I wanna shop!!

Life as a MBA student in Belgium

My life has changed. I have changed. And I am very happy!!

Amidst all the excitement and millions of things to do to adjust to the new life, my blog was neglected. It is the easiest thing to neglect and so it is neglected first of all. When I started getting comments and messages from some blogger friends about my whereabouts, I decided that it indeed has been a really long time and I should better blog about my new life.

I don't know where to start. I have been in Belgium for a month now and many things have happened since then. Mom and Dad came with me to Belgium to drop me here and then to go on a short Europe trip. I am immensely glad and thankful to them for coming with me because with all my luggage (almost 60 Kgs), I would have broken a few bones and all my suitcases before reaching my destination. Leuven is a small town, at a distance of 30 mins train ride from Brussels. I love the town. It is only 3 Kms in radius! You can see the entire town in half a day. And because it is a student town, you can see students and university buildings everywhere. It is almost like one huge campus.

That is the Town Hall in Leuven. A beautiful building at the heart of the town.

The weather here is gray most of the time and it rains almost every second or third day. The two awesome things about Belgium are its beer and waffles. They have hundreds of varieties of Beer in Belgium. I knew about Leuven's beer connection before coming here and that people here love drinking beer but I had no idea that someone like me who hates it would become an ardent beer fan. Waffles have a similar story. I have never had a sweet tooth but the sight and smell of a freshly baked waffle can make anyone drool. In Brussels I tried a just-baked waffle topped with strawberries and chocolate sauce. I have no words to describe how good it was.

That was my first beer in Belgium!

Now about the MBA life - My classes started on 1st September, so I have been into the program for 17 days now. The first week was all about lunches, dinners, drinks with classmates and alumni, getting to know the school, and even a party at the Dean's house (and what a party!). It was fun at the beginning and before we knew it, the grind started. In just 2 weeks, we have completed 3 subjects!! From the very first day of classes, I have been immersed in team assignments, tutorials, reading for the next day's classes, networking and trying to stay in touch with friends and family back in India. I did not realise when waking up at 5 AM and sleeping at midnight started sounding normal. I did not realise when going to the school on weekends to work with your team for group work became usual. I did not realise when the book shelf in my studio was piled high with thick binders and heavy books. I did not realise when reading 300 pages everyday started seeming achievable. I did not realise when I actually finished an impressive amount of reading. If I collectively count the number of pages for all subjects I have read so far, then that is probably more than I read in an entire year before starting my MBA.

But you know what.... it is fun! I like it! Every moment of sitting in class, every moment of group work, every moment of reading micro and macro economics, financial accounting, statistics and managing across cultures.... I love it. Even when I crib, even when I tell my boyfriend in India that all this work will make me die early (he is a MBA so he thankfully understands), even when I don't get time to cook, even when I am too tired to update my blog, I am loving every moment here and I can see that I am changing as a person. My thought process, my stamina, my ability to cope with pressure, my social networking, everything has already changed drastically. And that is when I am only 1 month into my MBA!

To top it all I joined French classes here which will start on the coming Monday. I have no idea where in the world will I find time for studying French but I have still joined.
Oh and by the way, before my classes started, I managed to visit Amsterdam and Den Haag in Netherlands. Beautiful places would be a gross understatement for them. The canals of Amsterdam give it the romantic feel of a quintessential European city and Den Haag has these beautiful buildings and a mix of the old and new in Europe.

I have made some new friends. We are 90 students divided into 2 sections of 45 each in this year's batch. Among these 90 students we have 42 nationalities, so our class is one of the most diverse in the world. Conversation topics during lunches with my classmates include; Geisha in Japan, our upcoming trip to China, the integration of Europe after the second world war, Barrack Obama's political campaign, Mexican food, Life in Nigeria, the Australian boyfriend of my batchmate from Peru, French versus Dutch language courses, and other equally diverse and interesting topics.

I am sure that my year at Vlerick is going to be a life changing experience for me. No matter where I land after the MBA, no matter what job I get (or don't get!) the learning that I am getting here is immense. My only regret is that I am not able to blog regularly. Some of my classmates have blogs and they post every few days, although I don't understand where they find the time and energy to do it, but taking inspiration from then I will try to blog more often. I suppose that I am just not that great at managing my time.

I will post some pictures of Brussels, Amsterdam, Den Haag and Leuven in my next post!! :)

Shaken And Stirred

Here I am after a little hiatus! Some of you might have even forgotten me, but hey, I am still on blogosphere :)

During the past month my blog's first birthday came and went (25th July), my 26th birthday came and went (26th July), but I did not as much as post a 'Happy Birthday Dear Blog', one-liner post. Honestly, I am so drained out these days that I don't feel up to even a twitter-like post. Anyway, belated birthday wishes for my online journal.

'Happy Birthday Dear Blog. You mean so much to me' :D

You guys may wish too.

I celebrated my birthday for 2 consecutive days and to such an extent that I promptly fell ill with exhaustion on the third day. Late night dancing and partying with friends, bringing three girlfriends home to stay for the night, and then chit-chatting till the small hours of the morning. It was fun! Almost like engineering college hostel days, all over again. And then, a quiet homely party with family on the following day. I couldn't have hoped for a better start to another year of my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Exactly 16 days are left for me to pack, shop, prepare, study, say goodbyes, etc. I am beginning to panic now. My things-to-do list has started appearing like a monster that is impossible to slay. The more tasks I finish, the more are added to my list. I actually have a to-do list that is growing bigger by the day.
I bought my ticket, bought a new laptop (HP Pavilion dv4), booked hotel and temporary accommodation in Belgium for 4 days, started my Statistics Course and did other stuff that I cannot even recall now. I read something about time somewhere long back, that how time goes by in lumps when we are in a state of high anticipation or excitement. Sometimes it seems like a large chunk of time just disappeared from my life and at other times, even few minutes seem very long. Yes, time is going by in irregular, unpredictable lumps.
Many a time, I notice myself saying and doing routine things like an automaton, because my mind is busy figuring out what is the next thing-to-do on my list. This is the first time in my life that I am marveling at the powers of habit. I don't need to think while talking to many people. I can give correct responses and expressions out of habit, keeping my mind on other matters all the while. And what's more, people don't even notice!

I will try to write another post before flying to Belgium, but going by the frequency of posts on my blog lately, it seems unlikely. Wish me luck folks, I need all of it that I can get :)

Oh, and by the way, the blog title has got nothing to do with drinks, as you guys might have figured out by now. It is about how I feel presently :)

A Fresh Beginning

I never thought that I would ever be too busy to post on my blog or to read posts of my favorite bloggers. It has happened now and I am not too happy about it. I started this blog last year and whatever crap I wrote here gave me immense satisfaction and an outlet to burst out. Moreover, reading blogs of unknown strangers (who I now feel I know since ages) gave me a sense of belonging. I am too busy to write posts and read blogs regularly now and it feels that some part of me is locked up and getting suffocated. I feel guilty when I don't post for long periods and then coming back to the blogosphere is even more difficult. It is like facing a close family member whom you have been avoiding since long.
I have lost track of what is happening in the lives of my blog friends and I feel left out. Is this weird? My blog friends would know, I guess.

A quick review of what I did all the while I was missing from blogosphere:
~I got my Visa (yippeee).
~I read MANY books, To Kill A Mockingbird, Rebecca, The Kite Runner, The Firm; to name some of them.
~I entertained guests and relatives at home. Many relatives came to visit and live with us for few days because they know I will be leaving soon for a long time. That was sweet of them. I had an awesome time gossiping, shopping, eating with them. I have gained a lot of weight after these visits and screwed my daily routine, but it was all worth it. I will miss them all in Belgium.
~I completed my French classes. Yes, sadly my French classes are over. My teacher can't continue for the next level so I have to now learn on my own.
~GO came back from US and I watched 2 movies (17 Again and Paying Guest) back to back with him again, after knowing that the last time I did that was a disaster. It wasn't so much of a disaster this time, except that Paying Guest is the most pathetic movie that I ever watched. By-the-way, Zac Efron looks cute in 17 Again.

It was enough to keep me occupied if you add it up with social networking, trying to read business related books and articles, and sleeping :)

I can see that life ahead will be even more hectic. My School has e-mailed a list of recommended pre-MBA reading and will make us take 3 online courses (Stats, Financial Accounting and Economics) in July. I have to shop and pack and generally prepare for going.

But, all said and done, I have no intentions of staying away from my blog, like I have been doing for some time now. I have realised that it is important to me, and I am going to make it a part of my routine. It is strange how we neglect many things, knowing that they hold a lot of value for us. Like family, friends, learning new things, and in this case, blog :)

It has started to sink in, now that the initial excitement is getting stale, that I am indeed going for at least 13 months. Away from people who care for me, food that I love, and the life that I am used to. It will be fun and a great learning experience, but I think it would also be difficult. All I have in my survival kit is my enthusiasm, passion (which I hope won't fizzle out too soon), common sense and intellect. I have realised that another survival tool is my blog, just rant here and it becomes easy to get along with things. More so, when unknown strangers (with blogs that I am only too familiar with) post comments that are all concerned, supportive, hopeful, energizing and considerate at the same time. I love my blogger friends. There comments are sometimes all that you need for a doze of energy :)

I changed my blog template. The new one looks fresh and professional, and goes with my present mood; to make a fresh beginning.

My Affair With A Romance Language

It has been long since I was on blogosphere and I admit that there were a couple of times since I last posted when I started writing but then just gave up. I blame it on multiple factors, but Delhi heat takes the biggest share of blame. I just hate this time in Delhi. The dry and scorching weather gets me into depression, and I should add here, that it really takes a lot to get ME into depression. Going outdoors is suicidal these days, even in evenings. The only places to hang out are malls, and it gets intensely boring to hang out exclusively at malls. With all my social life limited to Facebook and French classes, there was not much to talk about. Moreover, I was in a lazy, introspective phase.

I promised last time that I would blog about my French classes, as they are a lot of fun. They still are fun and I love my time there. The teacher is nice; she gives good material, and teaches well. I have two more students in class with me (both men), so it is a small and intimate class. We get many opportunities to laugh because we keep making silly mistakes that are at times HILARIOUS. One such instance that comes to my mind is of the day when Swati (our teacher) asked me to make a sentence that starts with 'Je voudrais...' (I would like...) It was our third or fourth class and I was still struggling immensely with vocabulary. I started to say something but the sentence that popped out of my mouth was "Je voudrais un bon homme." (I would like a nice man.) Shucks! That was followed by a shocked second and then peals of laughter from everybody including me. The other two students in the class specially laughed loud at that. Embarrassing, I know. But trust me, that's nothing compared to the mistakes that THEY make.

I think it's time to describe the other two students in my class. 'A' seems like a pretty boring guy and he is the one who struggles the most in our classes. It has now got to the extent where the rest of us feel he wastes the time of the class because he just doesn't understand things. Whatever job 'A' is doing, it keeps him busy in some health related seminars these days. He comes to the classes right after work, travelling from CP to Gurgaon. I appreciate his dedication, especially in this weather. He turned up a little late during one of the classes. We looked up as he entered the room to join us. The first thing that I noticed about him on that day was that he was wearing a big, round, red badge, which said "Loose weight now, Ask me how" in shining white letters. Before I could stop myself, I pointed to the eye-catching badge and asked him, "What is that?" His response, "Oh, I forgot to take that off after the seminar." WTF? He traveled all the way from CP to Gurgaon and then walked into the class wearing that. I wonder how many people asked him tips for loosing weight that day.

I call the other guy "My grey eyed Ipod" or The ipod for short (this nick suggested by GO). He has beautiful grey eyes but at times irritating manners. He sings really well, calls me nearly everyday, and hangs up only after singing me a song or two. I know it is funny, but I admit that I enjoy it. I mean how many men these days would sing you songs everyday when you are not even dating them (and nice songs at that). I know he is either too nice or too creepy and I am still trying to decide in which category to place him. He is doing well in class though and I enjoy talking to him, especially when he talks passionately of his career. Like me, he is going to start his MBA program soon but in Canada. He is intelligent, having completed his engineering from a good college and worked for a couple of years, he managed a great score at GMAT and then admission at a decent B-School. I am impressed at how informed he is about his field and at the amount of reading he is doing. From financial accounting to French vocab to oil fields in Canada, he has read up a whole lot. I am always impressed with well-informed people but at times, he intrigues me. He would at times say non-committal but suggestive things, which might mean that he is flirting. I give non-committal responses then but try to make it clear without being too obvious that I am not interested in any relationship or fling (or anything) at all at this point in my life. I just don't like it when men try to play it so safe that they stand neither here nor there; I think that's not being man enough. Of course, I might be wrong with the whole thing, it might be just premature alarm bells ringing in my head, and therefore currently I just brush aside such things and ignore. However, while talking, laughing, arguing, at every imaginable instant, I am watching him to try and understand where he is heading with all his talk (and songs!).

On a different note, I met my best friend Amit yesterday after more than a year and half. Although we could manage less than an hour with each other but it was totally great. I took him to TGIF (my favorite hang out) and we of course had LIITs. I haven't laughed so much in ages as I did in that hour. Friends always make you feel so good. Although Amit and I talk nearly everyday but meeting each other after that terribly long period felt really great. I am glad we could make it because in a couple of months, I would move to Europe and then I don't know when we would ever meet.

Ah! It feels wonderful, now that I have finally written this long post. I wonder why I was putting it off. There will be more to come and soon :D

Leonine Luxury

Ah! The joys of a manicure! I am indulgently staring at my fingers while typing. I am touching and picking objects gently and not grabbing at them, to make my nail polish last longer. Alas! Even with new and improvised beauty products entering the market every other day, there is still not a single nail polish that would last even for 3 days without chipping. Anyway, right now my hands are glowing and my nails are shining. What more could a girl ask for? Apart from some Mac products and spa trips and new clothes and.... mmm guess I am getting carried away :)

While getting my manicure this evening, I let my thoughts wander. I was thinking how much I love pampering. I know everybody does, but with me, it goes to another level. It has a healing effect on my body, mind, and soul. It makes me so happy! I think it has a lot to do with me being a Leo :)

Okay, people who don't believe in sun-signs are now rolling their eyes. Roll 'em as much as you want dear non-believer, but every Leo loves luxury and pampering, and that's as good as a fact. There might be just different ways of being pampered that work for different people, but scratch the surface and you find that need for self-indulgence in every Big Cat.

These days I am too much into it. I have a set routine (yes, I count that as indulgence), I wake up at 6 AM, I do Yoga, I meditate, I listen to soothing lounge music during my shower, I eat only fruits for my dinner, all of which makes me feel as fresh as a baby. My mind is so relaxed, my body feels so light and I am so peaceful that I do imagine being just-out-of-the-womb kind of fresh. Alright maybe a just-out-of-the-womb baby isn't that happy. I should say a-day-old-baby kind of fresh. I believe in getting my facts right :)

I want to clarify here that I am not a diet and fitness freak, neither am I paranoid about my weight, and I call myself a 'foodie'. It is just a phase that I am in, but now I am seriously considering making it my lifestyle. However, I also know that all this is possible because presently I have more time on my hands than I can waste without feeling guilty. Once I get back into the grind of work or studies, it would be nearly impossible to afford such luxury. This gets me back to the L-word. Yep, that's the L-word of my life nowadays :)

Psst: I succeeded in not mentioning Vlerick even once in my post. Yayieee!! :D

The News

Although I am very ill and tired at the moment, I still feel euphoric. I have been speaking almost non-stop for the last 2 days, which has made my tonsils swell and has resulted in a mild fever, but I never felt better in my life.

Dear Blogdosts,

Thank you all for your kind comments on my previous post. You all encouraged me no end and I am very happy to share now that I have received the much-awaited offer from my dream school, Vlerick Leuven Gent School of Management. I still can't believe that I really made it to one of the top 100 B-Schools in the world. As far as I know, I am the only girl selected from India as yet, 4 other Indian guys have been offered admission, and I believe there will only be 2-3 more Indian admits.

I have been running really busy since last 2 days. On 3rd March I went to Noida and met Priya, GO and a college friend whom I had not met since ages. I came back home late and tired and checked my mails to find a mail from Vlerick, informing me about the offer. I screamed, yes, I did. I told Mom and then Dad and then called friends and since then I am talking incessantly to friends and family and narrating the whole story to everyone. Nothing less would do! On 4th, that is yesterday, I had a wedding to attend, where I again met many family members who got to hear the entire history of Vlerick from me. That much of talking has its disadvantages, and I am now struggling to recover from a fever and pain in my throat. I never before realized that I gulp more than once every minute. I now know, because each time I gulp, I close my eyes and do it in slow motion, else the pain seems almost unbearable.

Anyhow, these last few days have been very eventful for me and I am not complaining :-). Thank you guys for your good wishes. I think they really worked for me. The session begins September 1 and I am really looking forward to it :D

Fingers Crossed

I am sorry about the sporadic posts, but this was one time of my life when I started hating the activity of writing.

I was applying to a very reputed, very prestigious MBA College in Belgium and as a part of my application had to write '12 essays' to let the admissions committee know more about me. It took me a week to write those essays and to finally hit the submit button on my application and I think that there's nothing left about my life that the adcom won't know now (except my love life). I wrote and re-wrote those essays because I am dying to go to that school, and totally exhausted myself in the process. After doing the final add-a-comma, delete-a-word thing on my essays, I reviewed my application again and to my horror discovered that if I want to apply for a scholarship I have to write another essay building my case. This was new for me; I have applied to 2 colleges so far and at both places all applicants are automatically considered for scholarship. I was not prepared for it and by now harbored a severe contempt for writing essays. I opted, and I still can't believe it, to not apply for the scholarship. I don't know of anyone who does not apply for a scholarship and I think the adcom would think of me as being the richest young female in India, which I am not :-(

Anyway, that was the reason I was not posting on my blog. I wanted a break from writing but it's nowhere to be seen in near future. I have decided to apply to another college, which is in Spain. Although they ask for only 2 essays, but I have to write nonetheless. Therefore, I gave up trying to avoid writing, and returned to my blog. By the way, I also want to ask all my blogdosts, whoever would read this post, to pray for me to get an offer from the B-School in Belgium. I am already so much in love with the school, despite its weird name, Vlerick Leuven Gent School of Management. I told you it's a weird name. However, it is the IIM-A of Belgium, being among the top 100 MBA colleges in the world, with a 1-year MBA that includes a residential program of some weeks at another reputed school in China :-). The only problem is that the average student at Vlerick is almost 30 years old and has 5 years of work-experience. I am counting only on my GMAT score, my diverse profile and my gender to make it to the school, yeah; they try to maintain a female strength of 40% in their very small class of 65 students from around 30 countries. I could go on and on about the positives and I have not even started talking about how good a place Belgium is, with the world's biggest brewery (InBev) having it's headquarters there :-)
Please Please Please pray for me to make it. I am applying to other European colleges too but Vlerick is the place where I really want to go. After writing those 12 essays and taking 8 days to submit my application, I am obsessed with Vlerick. My family silently bears with me while I blabber non-stop about what a certain Indian alumni had to say about Vlerick, what the Director of the Vlerick MBA said to me when I met him while he was in Delhi, what I wrote in my essays and blah blah blah. I would be heartbroken if I don't make it, even though I am very late in applying and I am stretching my chances too far at such a reputed college. But I don't care how far I am stretching my chances, I just want to go there.
Keep watching this space for updates on whether I made it or not :-)

An Outburst

Is it usual human behaviour to get irritated at the drop of a hat and take it out at people who love us? Or am I the only arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, insensitive, big-mouth around?

Love scares me. Not the family kind of love, but the friends and boyfriends kind of love. I used to think until around 3 years back that I am incapable of loving someone wholeheartedly, with devotion, submissiveness, with no other feeling but love for the other person at all times. Then somebody came in my life and that kind of love did happen. It was sheer bliss; being totally, incautiously, head-over-heels in love. The feeling was new for me and I revelled in it. However, I now think that that kind of love is probably unhealthy because love takes so much priority in life that every other thing is overshadowed. Moreover, plausibly that kind of love scares the other person. Even after so much love (or maybe because of it?) that relationship did not work. I am single for almost 10 months now and I am comfortable with this single status. Nevertheless, unplanned, unintended and surprising new relationships are always waiting for you around the corner. The thing is that I am back to where I was 3 years back. I feel I am incapable of loving someone without reserve. I am too practical now to be in love, and the shortcomings and drawbacks of the relationship are glaringly visible to me. Even the shortcomings of the other person. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and probably I am more imperfect but, I don't want these shortcomings to be visible to me. Love hides such things, ain't it? Such unwanted details are glossed over when you are with someone you love. I have been in that kind of love so I know. Now these small discomforting details are a little too visible to me and I just can't stop myself from mentioning them to the other person, much to his dismay and discomfort. Therefore when I feel that the other person really loves me, it scares me. Loving somebody when that person can't love you back is still less painful than being loved by someone whom you can't love back. It hurts you, makes you feel guilty, makes you try hard, and at the end of it all trying never helps. I want the other person to be practical like me, I encourage him to point out my shortcomings and that of the relationship, so that I may not feel so guilty about being cruelly practical but he, being so much in love, can't see any. He even tries to justify those that I point out. It makes me wring my hands in irritation and makes me say things that I don't really want to say. He is still sweet as ever, utterly unconvinced about the impracticality of the relationship, and I feel more guilty, more irritated. It's like a vicious circle. I don't want to hurt but I end up doing exactly that. I don't want to be very practical, but I end up being exactly that.

I have heard this question many times that is it better to get married to someone whom you love or to someone who loves you. I have always heard girls saying that it is better to marry someone who loves you because you are always made to feel special. Still I can't convince myself about that. I think that won't work for me. I feel it is far better to be with someone you love, even when the other person does not love you so much in return and when it hurts like hell, than marrying someone who loves you, then hurt him when you try your best not to and then feel guilty about it. Being hurt is still better than feeling guilty. What is your take about it?

Pub Going, Loose and Forward

This consortium is the perfect example of how a small snowball of an idea can gain momentum throughout the nation and grow into a giant, all-engulfing, avalanche of pink chaddis to the Ram Sene Office in Bangalore. For once, such a below-the-belt tactic seems totally fair and sensible. Hence, I am now a proud member of the Consortium of pub going, loose and forward women. I have joined their facebook group and asked all my friends, cousins and anybody whom I know to join the campaign. I read in the TOI today that the Ram Sene's Bangalore unit chief Vasanth Kumar Bhavani has said about the campaign that, "It's a free country. However, we would like to know the background of these people since nobody from good families would resort to such cheap steps". Yeah, you are right Mr. Bhavani. People from good families only beat up women and drag them by the hair.

I don't want to question how a celebration of love on a particular day can be a part of only western culture. I don't want to start discussions about why women should have the right to drink, go to pubs, and socialise without the fear of being beaten up by hooligans who want to sudharo every female in the country. I don't want to ask these hooligans that what happens to their moral policing when a woman is raped, abused or molested. All I want to say is, oppose them, stand against them, fight them back.

This Valentine's I am going to raise a toast for all the men I know, who are real gentlemen, and who support and take care of women around them. For my brother, who helps my sis-in-law around the house with every possible work, unasked; who took me out to celebrate in a pub when I got my first salary; who really respects women. For my Dad, who brings me a bottle of white wine whenever I ask him; who has never had a problem with my dressing sense; who really respects women. For my friend Amit, who pulls out chairs and holds open doors for women no matter what their age is; who would make any girl feel like a princess just because he thinks women deserve it; who really respects women. For GO, who accompanies me to pubs even when he is not much into drinking; who gladly lets me be the person I am even if he doesn't agree with me about something; who really respects women. I will a raise a toast to all of them not because I feel they are going out of their way for the women in their lives but because these men do it without the airs of doing women a favor. They do it because that was how they were brought up.

Go ahead, raise a toast this Valentine's to all such men in your life and to every woman on the planet :-)

Welcome To The World - Anhad and Paavaki

Its strange how time flies and how things change. Just like while driving, the landscape keeps changing from one beautiful and picturesque view to another, the situations in life keep changing from one colourful scenario to another. It just seems like yesterday when eight of us used to live together in one flat during my engineering days. We were great pals, eight girls who knew each other's secrets and stories. Each of us went through various highs and lows, saw each other crying and breaking down, saw each other fall in love and moving on, celebrated each other's successes in exams and later in work and so on. A couple of years after graduating some of us got married, some went for higher studies and some continued working. However, now another phase of life has started, another landscape in the journey of life. Ruchi already has a beautiful daughter Pari, who is now 20 months old. Parneet was blessed with a baby girl Anhad, on 29th December and NV was blessed with a baby girl Paavaki, on 13th January. Its almost as if another gang of girls is in the making :-)

ANHAD & PAAVAKI

I used to chat with NV every day for hours. Even when she went to US with her husband our chats continued in the same fashion. It is since the day Paavaki was born that we haven't had a chat even once. She has become so busy with changing diapers, feeding the baby and taking care of her needs that she hardly gets time to sleep, therefore coming online to chat is near to impossible for her. I realise that life has changed dramatically for her and she is struggling to get used to it. I so want to meet Parneet and NV to hold and cuddle their little ones but it's not possible anymore. We are all in different cities and very busy with our lives. We just manage to send mails to each other, share snaps and keep each other updated with the latest gossip and news.

I really wish at times that all of us could be together again, along with husbands and kids. It would be great to have that sort of a reunion sometime. Sigh! Wishful thinking, that's what it is.

Helplessness

What do you do when you really want to talk to someone but can't? When you have absolutely no way of knowing anything about them. When you can't call or write to them. When you know they would never call or write to you.

What do you do then?

Pray.

Why doesn't even praying help? Why doesn't it release that knot in your chest, which threatens to explode? Why doesn't it stop the tears from coming at the weirdest of times? Why doesn't it end the suffering?

Symphony Raaga

On Saturday I got a glimpse of how schools are slowly getting westernized. In the good old times (I have already started talking as if I am ancient), school annual functions used to be a cultural fiesta with performances that included genres like classical, folk and western. My niece Maahi is an adorable three year old kid who is a pre-nursery student at an elite (and expensive) Gurgaon school. The school celebrated its annual function on Saturday at the Sirifort Auditorium. To start with, when we got the invites for the function the venue surprised me a little. I mean, the last time I was at Sirifort it was to see Anoushka Shankar live in concert playing some compositions of Pandit Ravishankar on her sitar. Sirifort is one of the best and largest auditoriums in Delhi and a school is using it for its annual function!! Maybe I really am ancient and it happens like that these days but my school had its own auditorium and grounds for such events.

Anyway, Maahi came home on Friday with three pages of instructions for parents on how to dress their wards for the function. She got a pretty but awfully flimsy and see-through dress from the school. The pages instructed the parents to make her wear white high-neck sweater inside the dress, to wash her hair on the day and to keep her hair loose. Maahi got immense attention from us on that day. Her mom (my sister, Dido) and my Mom constantly checked whether Maahi had matching beads for her hair, matching gogos, what makeup should she wear etc etc. Maahi's waist length wavy hair (we are very proud of her hair) were washed and kept loose since morning. I was her makeup woman, Dido was the hairdresser and my Mom looked after her wardrobe whilst Maahi's Dad drove us all to the venue.

Isn't she adorable with that loud stage makeup? :-)

We reached the venue before time, handed over Maahi to her classteacher (as instructed) and went inside the audi to take our seats. There were customary speeches and then the function began with a semi-classical Symphony performed by 120 students and the only Hindustani program of the evening. The kids were awesome in the Symphony performance, it was obvious that they had been practising for months to do some justice to those compositions. Thus, the evening began fabulously and then immediately lost steam.

Each class performed a dance number and we cheered enthusiastically because the kids were adorable, even with their slips and flaws. They were excited at being on stage, happy at being dressed up, and were no less than superstars for us. However, the selection of songs by teachers was somewhat disappointing. Little kids danced on those disney songs and nursery rhymes and the senior kids on Micheal Jackson numbers. There was not even a single Indian dance, no Punjabi, no Rajasthani, no Bollywood, no Classical. The evening climaxed with a musical 'Fiddler on the Roof' and by the end of the evening we had a feeling that we are probably in the US or UK because the program had no Indian touch to it. Ironically the evening's program was called Symphony Raaga on the invites, which is a very Indian name. I wonder what our kids are learning in such institutions. They would never know what it is like to do the Bhangra or the Garba or any Indian dance form for that matter. They would all know how to Tango or how to move seductively on Salsa music, which is all very good, but isn't that education incomplete? Is it because these schools consider the Indian dance forms to be beneath their attention, I wonder.

Okay, I stop Mooning and am back on Earth

Urgh!! I just read my last post of 6th January and I feel disgusted. Such an icky post it is!!

Trust me to get carried away whenever I pen down a poem. But to get carried away to that extent!!! I actually wrote an entire autobiography in that post. To all those who commented back with sweet and encouraging words, I know you guys were only being kind to me. The way we are kind to a lunatic or to kids and let them believe in their fairies and Santa. Thank you very much guys, I am touched :-)

To top it all, I read Shobhaa De's blog yesterday and left a comment there about how I never read any of her books because I was under the impression that she writes depressing stories but that I was pleasantly surprised at the liveliness in her writing and would definitely try one of her books. She actually e-mailed a reply to that!!! A one-liner reply about appreciating my frankness and a thank you. I saw that mail and went all Yay!! and Wow!! and dreamt last night of getting a book of my poems published and Shobhaa De unveiling it for me. Oh when will I grow up???

The New Year Begins

I watched Ghajini on the first day of the new year and really liked it despite the violence and just okay music (except Tu Meri Adhoori Pyas). I had a mind to write a review of the movie but I just read a post by Chandni, who is one of my favourite bloggers. She wrote a review of RNBDJ and it was plagiarized word by word by a certain Ms Salty Sea Breeze who posted it on her blog as her own. I feel offended for Chandni and that kills the mood to right a review now. I will write it some other time.

Anyway, the other day I read some lines by Vikram Seth that really touched my heart. I will dedicate them (even though they are not mine :-)) to The Unsung Psalm whose writings I enjoy. Here goes:

Some men like Jack and some like Jill

I'm glad I like them both but still

I wonder if this freewheeling

Really is an enlightened thing,

Or is its greater scope a sign

Of deviance from some party line?

In the strict ranks of Gay and Straight

What is my status: Stray? Or Great?

A few years back I read A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth and found it unnecessarily stretched out with irrelevant details although the plot and its setting were really good. There were many things that I liked about this book but the unnecessary length killed my interest in it when I had managed to read only about three-fourth of the book. It was the only book of my life that I had not been able to finish and I blamed Vikram Seth for that. However, when I read the above lines of poetry by him they salvaged his reputation in my eyes :-). Also, I found that Vikram Seth did his schooling from my hometown Dehradun (Welham Boys and Doon School), so that kind of settled the fact that I would definitely read more books by this author :-)

Luckily, the day I watched Ghajini I found that there was a Sale at the Om Book Shop in MGF Mall at Gurgaon. A sale and that too at a book shop is too tempting to ignore and so I went inside telling myself that I would not buy anything but would just take a tour. I already have around 5-6 still unread and good books lying around at my home and I had told myself that I would not buy any more books until I finish those that I already own. However, the shop offered a great bargain on many books and the shining hard covers of books had an almost lusty appeal. I think everyone would understand if I say that I finally did buy books but only 2 of them. One is of course by Vikram Seth (An Equal Music) and another is a collection of spooky short stories :-). It has some stories by authors like Edgar Allen Poe and Charles Dickens and has a beautiful cover, hence I bought it.

I got these two books for just 500 bucks, can you believe it? Such beautiful, hardbound, original books together cost just 500 Rupees!! Wow what an amazing start to the new year :-)

The Year That Was

2008 is finally nearly over and am I glad? Well, yes I am. This was one year which was neither entirely good nor entirely bad but was too good and too bad in spurts. Come to think of it my whole short life till date has been like that but this year was a bit too much. It was a year of surprises, shocks, new beginnings, sudden endings, success, failure and everything being utterly unplanned.
I will list down major events of this year in chronological order and reminisce, so that I can breathe a sigh of relief and look back at the rollercoaster ride that this year was and pat my back to congratulate myself for surviving.

January- I visited Mumbai for the first time in my life and stayed there for a month with my brother. Yeah, I had never been to Mumbai before. Although I come from a family of travel freaks and I have been to nearly all places in India from Jammu to Kerela to Goa to Kanyakumari to Kullu to Jaipur to Mysore, and the list goes on, but I had never been to Mumbai. It was a good start to the year.

February- My best friend NV got married on 24th February in Kanpur. Although this is a major event of her life and not mine but when your best friend gets married it results in a lot of changes in your life too. For starters, NV moved to Hyderabad from Noida to live with her husband and this meant that I had to lose my favourite company. I did feel lonely, a lot.

April - The big break-up. Needless to say it left me shattered. Particularly because of why it happened and the way it happened. Enough said.
On 21st April, that was just 2 days after my break-up and the day I exchanged a last hateful sms with my ex, I went to US for a 20 day trip. The trip had been planned hardly a month back and I was naturally very excited about it, until the break-up happened. I lost all willingness to even exist let alone to go on a vacation. I had never imagined that my first overseas holiday would happen in such disastrous circumstances that I would have no interest or inclination towards it. Even just before stepping out of the airport in New York, I had not realised that I was on a long-awaited trip for which I was insanely excited until a week ago. However, the trip turned out to be a really needed break for me and took me away from the sad scene in India for sometime.

July- I decided to prepare for GMAT and started my blog just a day before my 25th birthday. Both the decisions turned out to be very good.

September- Dad joined a new company in Gurgaon on 1st September and Mom and Dad moved to Noida to stay with me. It was a great thing to happen for many reasons. I have always lived a pampered life when it comes to money but this new job of Dad pays him mindblowingly well because he works as the topmost executive of a very good company. This ultimately translates to the fact that I live an even more lavish life now :-)
Another fact is that, my parents moved in with me at a time when I needed them most. I was very lonely after NV's wedding and my break-up. There were other friends but they were not enough. I needed a stronger emotional support and I got that from my mother. Moreover, I could prepare for GMAT without worrying about what to cook for the next meal.

October- I took the GMAT on 25th October and got a really good score of 680. Although I had hoped for more, this score was enough to carry my MBA dream forward.

November- I found a consultant and took TOEFL. I was taking little baby steps forward towards my goal. I was excited and worked hard which gave me immense satisfaction. We also moved to Gurgaon from Noida on 7th November. The new home is BIG, beautiful, comfortable and rich. Plus I left my Noida flat which was full of memories, some horrid some good but I wanted to run away from all memories for sometime. My Noida flat is empty these days, empty because nobody lives there but it is still full of old furniture and old memories. It had become too cramped for me, the memories took up too much space. This was a good month.

December- I lost all steam for MBA, simply because the application process is too long to hold my interest. Although I got my TOEFL score and it was a fabulous 115/120, it wasn't enough to fuel my engine which has turned cold. I am still working on it but it's just because I have got myself so involved that i can't back out. Moreover, this is the only sensible thing to do right now. CARRY ON.

Now that I look back I can see that there were more good things and few bad things that happened this year. However, the bad things took the charm out of every other good thing. It was an year full of a lot of emotional turmoil and upheavals. It somehow seems to me that this year was a year of changes. Changes that are preparing me for the future, and changes are always painful even when they are for good. Well, I really hope that they are for good.

I am eagerly looking forward to 2009. If 2009 was a person, I would have welcomed it with big banners and flower garlands and smiles :-)

I Fear A New Beginning

How do I tell you
That I have given my heart away
That I carry a baggage night and day
That I have gone astray

How do I love you
When I bear a broken heart
When I can't make a fresh start
When I can't let go of the past

How do I make you happy
When I am smarting inside
When I can no more decide
When I contemplate suicide

You wonder what I am thinking
You think I am unfair
The truth is my darling
That I am in despair

You want to have me in your life
Then weed out each hurt and strife
The pain that I carry from the past
I fear it is always going to last

How should I tell you
That you deserve to be loved
And I cannot use you
As a cure for my hurts

Love

I am Sorry. I still miss you.