Is it usual human behaviour to get irritated at the drop of a hat and take it out at people who love us? Or am I the only arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, insensitive, big-mouth around?
Love scares me. Not the family kind of love, but the friends and boyfriends kind of love. I used to think until around 3 years back that I am incapable of loving someone wholeheartedly, with devotion, submissiveness, with no other feeling but love for the other person at all times. Then somebody came in my life and that kind of love did happen. It was sheer bliss; being totally, incautiously, head-over-heels in love. The feeling was new for me and I revelled in it. However, I now think that that kind of love is probably unhealthy because love takes so much priority in life that every other thing is overshadowed. Moreover, plausibly that kind of love scares the other person. Even after so much love (or maybe because of it?) that relationship did not work. I am single for almost 10 months now and I am comfortable with this single status. Nevertheless, unplanned, unintended and surprising new relationships are always waiting for you around the corner. The thing is that I am back to where I was 3 years back. I feel I am incapable of loving someone without reserve. I am too practical now to be in love, and the shortcomings and drawbacks of the relationship are glaringly visible to me. Even the shortcomings of the other person. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and probably I am more imperfect but, I don't want these shortcomings to be visible to me. Love hides such things, ain't it? Such unwanted details are glossed over when you are with someone you love. I have been in that kind of love so I know. Now these small discomforting details are a little too visible to me and I just can't stop myself from mentioning them to the other person, much to his dismay and discomfort. Therefore when I feel that the other person really loves me, it scares me. Loving somebody when that person can't love you back is still less painful than being loved by someone whom you can't love back. It hurts you, makes you feel guilty, makes you try hard, and at the end of it all trying never helps. I want the other person to be practical like me, I encourage him to point out my shortcomings and that of the relationship, so that I may not feel so guilty about being cruelly practical but he, being so much in love, can't see any. He even tries to justify those that I point out. It makes me wring my hands in irritation and makes me say things that I don't really want to say. He is still sweet as ever, utterly unconvinced about the impracticality of the relationship, and I feel more guilty, more irritated. It's like a vicious circle. I don't want to hurt but I end up doing exactly that. I don't want to be very practical, but I end up being exactly that.
I have heard this question many times that is it better to get married to someone whom you love or to someone who loves you. I have always heard girls saying that it is better to marry someone who loves you because you are always made to feel special. Still I can't convince myself about that. I think that won't work for me. I feel it is far better to be with someone you love, even when the other person does not love you so much in return and when it hurts like hell, than marrying someone who loves you, then hurt him when you try your best not to and then feel guilty about it. Being hurt is still better than feeling guilty. What is your take about it?