Thursday, February 19, 2009

An Outburst

Is it usual human behaviour to get irritated at the drop of a hat and take it out at people who love us? Or am I the only arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, insensitive, big-mouth around?

Love scares me. Not the family kind of love, but the friends and boyfriends kind of love. I used to think until around 3 years back that I am incapable of loving someone wholeheartedly, with devotion, submissiveness, with no other feeling but love for the other person at all times. Then somebody came in my life and that kind of love did happen. It was sheer bliss; being totally, incautiously, head-over-heels in love. The feeling was new for me and I revelled in it. However, I now think that that kind of love is probably unhealthy because love takes so much priority in life that every other thing is overshadowed. Moreover, plausibly that kind of love scares the other person. Even after so much love (or maybe because of it?) that relationship did not work. I am single for almost 10 months now and I am comfortable with this single status. Nevertheless, unplanned, unintended and surprising new relationships are always waiting for you around the corner. The thing is that I am back to where I was 3 years back. I feel I am incapable of loving someone without reserve. I am too practical now to be in love, and the shortcomings and drawbacks of the relationship are glaringly visible to me. Even the shortcomings of the other person. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and probably I am more imperfect but, I don't want these shortcomings to be visible to me. Love hides such things, ain't it? Such unwanted details are glossed over when you are with someone you love. I have been in that kind of love so I know. Now these small discomforting details are a little too visible to me and I just can't stop myself from mentioning them to the other person, much to his dismay and discomfort. Therefore when I feel that the other person really loves me, it scares me. Loving somebody when that person can't love you back is still less painful than being loved by someone whom you can't love back. It hurts you, makes you feel guilty, makes you try hard, and at the end of it all trying never helps. I want the other person to be practical like me, I encourage him to point out my shortcomings and that of the relationship, so that I may not feel so guilty about being cruelly practical but he, being so much in love, can't see any. He even tries to justify those that I point out. It makes me wring my hands in irritation and makes me say things that I don't really want to say. He is still sweet as ever, utterly unconvinced about the impracticality of the relationship, and I feel more guilty, more irritated. It's like a vicious circle. I don't want to hurt but I end up doing exactly that. I don't want to be very practical, but I end up being exactly that.

I have heard this question many times that is it better to get married to someone whom you love or to someone who loves you. I have always heard girls saying that it is better to marry someone who loves you because you are always made to feel special. Still I can't convince myself about that. I think that won't work for me. I feel it is far better to be with someone you love, even when the other person does not love you so much in return and when it hurts like hell, than marrying someone who loves you, then hurt him when you try your best not to and then feel guilty about it. Being hurt is still better than feeling guilty. What is your take about it?


Anonymous said...

Oh geez, sounds complex.

Hope you and the guy come out of it just fine.

Right, so in my opinion, both should be able to love each other a reasonable amount. Then if there's a slight difference, then it doesn't matter.

But both should know each other well enough to be able to figure out whether they'll survive through thick and thin or not.

Anonymous said...

Its not only you who feel the way you do.. It only means that you really have not gotten over your first love..

Once you learn to let the past go without regrets, life and love will be beautiful again :) quite possibly with the second person who loves you..

mister avant garde said...

love is a knotty affair da ... it's never love if things are easy to figure out ... hope you get past this diff phase real soon, n find love that's packaged just the way u want ...

Nikita said...

You are right, but I think there are only a very few very lucky people who are in love with someone who loves them back. Else most of the time, it's either I-love-but-other-person-doesn't or Other-person-loves-but-I-don't.
Knowing each other well is something I totally agree upon. I think I should give it more time and then decide :-)

Nikita said...

You are right, maybe I am still not over. But, letting the past go is something that's not in our hands. I am trying to strike a balance. Keeping the past intact in memories and still be able to happily live in present.
And I have no regrets about the past. It was beautiful, despite its dark pages. No regrets at all :-)

Nikita said...

@mister avant garde
Thanks for that beautiful wish. You know I love reading about your love life. It seems just perfect. Touchwood!

Anonymous said...

Anon again, the same one who commented earlier :)

Just let the past go, it is of course in your hands, coz unless u completly let it go you will neither be able to love again truly nor will you be able to accept love that comes your way.

Keep loving and living to the fullest :)

Spica said...

Point is, does he think this, or is it solely based on what you feel? Because if it's the former, it is something you need to look into, yes. But if it's the latter, you could be wrong, you know.. Maybe you do make him feel special and he does think you love him the right amount.

Thing is, when you get out of a long relationship, by the end of it, you reach a state where you've known and loved the person for a long time and love him all the more for it. You can't expect to feel the same way at the beginning of a relationship! Give it time. i'm sure things will be perfect!

All the best! :-)

mister avant garde said...

touchwood girl :)

disc repair service said...

nice post. it happens sometimes

Nikita said...

I think what you have said about long relationships and their after-effects is very true. Maybe I should just give it time