Fingers Crossed

I am sorry about the sporadic posts, but this was one time of my life when I started hating the activity of writing.

I was applying to a very reputed, very prestigious MBA College in Belgium and as a part of my application had to write '12 essays' to let the admissions committee know more about me. It took me a week to write those essays and to finally hit the submit button on my application and I think that there's nothing left about my life that the adcom won't know now (except my love life). I wrote and re-wrote those essays because I am dying to go to that school, and totally exhausted myself in the process. After doing the final add-a-comma, delete-a-word thing on my essays, I reviewed my application again and to my horror discovered that if I want to apply for a scholarship I have to write another essay building my case. This was new for me; I have applied to 2 colleges so far and at both places all applicants are automatically considered for scholarship. I was not prepared for it and by now harbored a severe contempt for writing essays. I opted, and I still can't believe it, to not apply for the scholarship. I don't know of anyone who does not apply for a scholarship and I think the adcom would think of me as being the richest young female in India, which I am not :-(

Anyway, that was the reason I was not posting on my blog. I wanted a break from writing but it's nowhere to be seen in near future. I have decided to apply to another college, which is in Spain. Although they ask for only 2 essays, but I have to write nonetheless. Therefore, I gave up trying to avoid writing, and returned to my blog. By the way, I also want to ask all my blogdosts, whoever would read this post, to pray for me to get an offer from the B-School in Belgium. I am already so much in love with the school, despite its weird name, Vlerick Leuven Gent School of Management. I told you it's a weird name. However, it is the IIM-A of Belgium, being among the top 100 MBA colleges in the world, with a 1-year MBA that includes a residential program of some weeks at another reputed school in China :-). The only problem is that the average student at Vlerick is almost 30 years old and has 5 years of work-experience. I am counting only on my GMAT score, my diverse profile and my gender to make it to the school, yeah; they try to maintain a female strength of 40% in their very small class of 65 students from around 30 countries. I could go on and on about the positives and I have not even started talking about how good a place Belgium is, with the world's biggest brewery (InBev) having it's headquarters there :-)
Please Please Please pray for me to make it. I am applying to other European colleges too but Vlerick is the place where I really want to go. After writing those 12 essays and taking 8 days to submit my application, I am obsessed with Vlerick. My family silently bears with me while I blabber non-stop about what a certain Indian alumni had to say about Vlerick, what the Director of the Vlerick MBA said to me when I met him while he was in Delhi, what I wrote in my essays and blah blah blah. I would be heartbroken if I don't make it, even though I am very late in applying and I am stretching my chances too far at such a reputed college. But I don't care how far I am stretching my chances, I just want to go there.
Keep watching this space for updates on whether I made it or not :-)

An Outburst

Is it usual human behaviour to get irritated at the drop of a hat and take it out at people who love us? Or am I the only arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, insensitive, big-mouth around?

Love scares me. Not the family kind of love, but the friends and boyfriends kind of love. I used to think until around 3 years back that I am incapable of loving someone wholeheartedly, with devotion, submissiveness, with no other feeling but love for the other person at all times. Then somebody came in my life and that kind of love did happen. It was sheer bliss; being totally, incautiously, head-over-heels in love. The feeling was new for me and I revelled in it. However, I now think that that kind of love is probably unhealthy because love takes so much priority in life that every other thing is overshadowed. Moreover, plausibly that kind of love scares the other person. Even after so much love (or maybe because of it?) that relationship did not work. I am single for almost 10 months now and I am comfortable with this single status. Nevertheless, unplanned, unintended and surprising new relationships are always waiting for you around the corner. The thing is that I am back to where I was 3 years back. I feel I am incapable of loving someone without reserve. I am too practical now to be in love, and the shortcomings and drawbacks of the relationship are glaringly visible to me. Even the shortcomings of the other person. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and probably I am more imperfect but, I don't want these shortcomings to be visible to me. Love hides such things, ain't it? Such unwanted details are glossed over when you are with someone you love. I have been in that kind of love so I know. Now these small discomforting details are a little too visible to me and I just can't stop myself from mentioning them to the other person, much to his dismay and discomfort. Therefore when I feel that the other person really loves me, it scares me. Loving somebody when that person can't love you back is still less painful than being loved by someone whom you can't love back. It hurts you, makes you feel guilty, makes you try hard, and at the end of it all trying never helps. I want the other person to be practical like me, I encourage him to point out my shortcomings and that of the relationship, so that I may not feel so guilty about being cruelly practical but he, being so much in love, can't see any. He even tries to justify those that I point out. It makes me wring my hands in irritation and makes me say things that I don't really want to say. He is still sweet as ever, utterly unconvinced about the impracticality of the relationship, and I feel more guilty, more irritated. It's like a vicious circle. I don't want to hurt but I end up doing exactly that. I don't want to be very practical, but I end up being exactly that.

I have heard this question many times that is it better to get married to someone whom you love or to someone who loves you. I have always heard girls saying that it is better to marry someone who loves you because you are always made to feel special. Still I can't convince myself about that. I think that won't work for me. I feel it is far better to be with someone you love, even when the other person does not love you so much in return and when it hurts like hell, than marrying someone who loves you, then hurt him when you try your best not to and then feel guilty about it. Being hurt is still better than feeling guilty. What is your take about it?

Pub Going, Loose and Forward

This consortium is the perfect example of how a small snowball of an idea can gain momentum throughout the nation and grow into a giant, all-engulfing, avalanche of pink chaddis to the Ram Sene Office in Bangalore. For once, such a below-the-belt tactic seems totally fair and sensible. Hence, I am now a proud member of the Consortium of pub going, loose and forward women. I have joined their facebook group and asked all my friends, cousins and anybody whom I know to join the campaign. I read in the TOI today that the Ram Sene's Bangalore unit chief Vasanth Kumar Bhavani has said about the campaign that, "It's a free country. However, we would like to know the background of these people since nobody from good families would resort to such cheap steps". Yeah, you are right Mr. Bhavani. People from good families only beat up women and drag them by the hair.

I don't want to question how a celebration of love on a particular day can be a part of only western culture. I don't want to start discussions about why women should have the right to drink, go to pubs, and socialise without the fear of being beaten up by hooligans who want to sudharo every female in the country. I don't want to ask these hooligans that what happens to their moral policing when a woman is raped, abused or molested. All I want to say is, oppose them, stand against them, fight them back.

This Valentine's I am going to raise a toast for all the men I know, who are real gentlemen, and who support and take care of women around them. For my brother, who helps my sis-in-law around the house with every possible work, unasked; who took me out to celebrate in a pub when I got my first salary; who really respects women. For my Dad, who brings me a bottle of white wine whenever I ask him; who has never had a problem with my dressing sense; who really respects women. For my friend Amit, who pulls out chairs and holds open doors for women no matter what their age is; who would make any girl feel like a princess just because he thinks women deserve it; who really respects women. For GO, who accompanies me to pubs even when he is not much into drinking; who gladly lets me be the person I am even if he doesn't agree with me about something; who really respects women. I will a raise a toast to all of them not because I feel they are going out of their way for the women in their lives but because these men do it without the airs of doing women a favor. They do it because that was how they were brought up.

Go ahead, raise a toast this Valentine's to all such men in your life and to every woman on the planet :-)

Movie + Drinks + Movie = Bad Headache

A movie, followed by a couple of drinks, followed by another movie results in a bad headache!!

That was the lesson I learnt on Saturday. GO and I had another date; GO drove all the way from Noida to Gurgaon again, I made him wait again and we had drinks again. Everything was pretty much the same except for the fact that this time I insisted on watching two movies that day. Yeah, I make such insane choices at times. I totally disregarded the fact that GO comes from Noida on a weekend so that he can meet me and not to watch lousy movies. However, I had to watch a movie and it was painfully difficult to pick between Raaz and Slumdog!! Okay, I know there's no comparison between the two movies but I am a die-hard horror movie fan. I enjoy the creeps that I get sitting in a theatre and moreover I had enjoyed Raaz 1, little did I know that Raaz 2 has not even the remotest connection to it. I fell for the line 'and the mystery continues...' and assumed that it continued from part 1, but, no, it didn't. To make matters worse Emraan Hashmi looked like a wild gorilla because of his hairstyle. I made GO suffer through Raaz and he kept asking me at intervals, "You really wanted to watch this???". I unconvincingly replied each time, "Come on GO, it isn't that bad. And if it gets worse, we can walk out in between". We did walk out but only when just 10 minutes of the movie remained and I realised that we barely had time to grab a bite before it will be time for the Slumdog show.
We were in Ambience Mall and neither GO nor I had ever been there before. I just loved this mall, specially because you don't get the feeling of being at a crowded place at all, so much so that it almost makes you feel that you are not in India. Anyway, after Raaz both of us badly needed good drinks to recover from the disappointing experience and we found a pub, Firangi Paani. Unusual name and nice place. They have an awesome scheme going these days, they have a ladies nite on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, when ladies can have free drinks, yeah absolutely free!! No I am not advertising for them, I thought it may be useful for anybody in NCR :-). Anyway, I ordered the usual LIIT and GO ordered some nasty and evil looking cocktail with Blue Curacao in it. It tasted just like cough syrup, sweet and heady, ugh!! The LIIT was good, not as good as in TGIF though. We were a little high soon and didn't realise that we had missed nearly 20 minutes of Slumdog already. Anyway, we rushed to the auditorium, I with unsteady steps and GO holding my hand. I dropped on my seat in the audi and wanted to sleep right away but GO whispered in my ear almost threateningly, "Don't sleep, watch this movie, it's better than Raaz." He filled in the background so that I could understand what was going on, and although I was almost on the verge of sleeping, and my mind had gone comfortably numb, I watched for a few minutes. The movie was good, my mind slowly aroused itself and then I really watched it, taking in the brutalities, the dust and grime, the reactions of the foreigner couple sitting next to us and even though the narrative went on at a breakneck speed, I enjoyed it. However, GO kept making some intellectual comments about how the director had caught an incomplete view of India albeit a poignant one.

By the time we came out of the audi, I had a bad, real bad headache. Lessons learnt: Never watch two movies in a day; never mix drinks and movies; never mix GO and bad movies (although he is sweet and can watch any movie with me but I later feel guilty).
Next date is already planned and despite headaches and lousy movies, I am loving it! :-)